This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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