Sacagawea was the original milf.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
