i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
