When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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