If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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