Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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