I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
