Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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