I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
