So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
