The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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