Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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