Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
