absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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