Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
