u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
This house was built for laser tag.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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