You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
