i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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