you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
third nipple confirmed
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
