Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
