There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
false alarm. still invincible.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
