we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
