i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
