I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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