Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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