i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
