Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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