Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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