Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize