Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
