were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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