I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
