She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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