We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i out mim tonsoeep
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