Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
