dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
