I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
