I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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