you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
