I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize