I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
