i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
