he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
