Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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