She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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