I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
