where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
