All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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