I wish you could order shots online.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
