And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
