I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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