Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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