if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
