Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm getting married
To pizza
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
