Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
