I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize