I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
