omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
