The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
