Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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