My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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