I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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